Coming Into Myself

Starting a blog was never something on my radar until a few months ago. I was listening to my favorite podcast (Rob Bell’s RobCast) when out of the blue I’m hit with a strong desire to start a blog. The idea has briefly passed through my mind a time or two but it seems like everyone and their grandmother has a blog these days so it was never something I’ve actually considered doing myself until now. It was at least two months ago that I listened to that RobCast and I’ve procrastinated doing anything until now. At 3 am. Maybe I’ve lost my mind and forgotten that my baby will be awake and hungry soon, but for some reason the inspiration for this post chose to strike now and refuses to let me sleep. Convenient. **rolls eyes** Or perhaps my brain knew that at 3 am I wouldn’t be able to use the endless chores, to dos, and other distractions associated with having a toddler and baby as excuses. I'm actually naming my blog "Midnight Musings of a Sleep Deprived Mama" because this post was written over several days--all between the hours of one and four a.m. But I digress.

To be honest, I have no idea where I’m going with this blog. I have no plan or grand destination. I’m not really an expert in anything, so my blog has no theme like travel or parenting. So for now I’m just going to share parts of my life and whatever things I am pondering over at the time. I hope you enjoy my ramblings… If all else fails, at least I know my mother will read everything. [Hi Mom!]

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For my first topic I wanted to talk about growth. Recently I went on a two hour drive with my cousin to visit other family, and during the drive we got to have some really great, deep conversation. She has begun a health journey—making some pretty significant life changes and losing a lot of weight in the process. We talked about how major changes in one aspect of life tend to domino into other areas and what that feels like. She’s actually the one who encouraged me to stop putting off this blog and that conversation inspired this post!

I always joke that God must have a pretty good sense of humor because whenever I say I won’t do something it always happens. I never wanted to go to any BYU (LDS church sponsored school) because that’s what everyone else was doing. But I still ended up at BYU-Hawaii. I told myself that even though I was at BYU, under no circumstances would I be getting married young (pretty common in Mormon culture). I was twenty when me and Blake got married. And I was definitely not going to be a young mom…Tomasi was born right after my 21st birthday. I have spent years thinking about this. About how my life has turned out exactly the opposite of the way I planned it. And yet, I couldn’t imagine things any other way. In fact, I’d say things are way better than my original plan. Life’s funny that way isn’t it? I read in a book once that life changes are often accompanied by this paradoxical feeling—that you can feel everything is so sudden while also realizing that your life has been leading up to this moment for years. That’s exactly how I feel about where I am now. Sometimes I have no idea how I got here, while simultaneously I feel like I’m simply growing into who I’m supposed to be. I feel a certain familiarity with the path I’m on. Like I’m coming into myself. It’s really a difficult feeling to explain, so you’d only understand if you’ve experienced it yourself.

I think I’ve always instinctually known that this was my life’s destination. I remember in Kindergarten being asked for an assignment what we wanted to be when we grew up. I think I said doctor or famous singer because that’s what all my classmates were saying, but the truth is I wanted to be a mom, just like my own mother. (If you’ve met her then you know 😊) So I guess in that sense my journey here has been slow, my whole life in the making. But I never could have predicted all the details. And it’s in those smaller things where I’ve found the most growth. It’s been in the details where I’ve reflected and consciously decided what kind of person I want to be, what things I’m passionate about, and how I want that to translate into daily living.

Today was the roughest day we’ve had in a long while. Multiple potty accidents, no naps, both kids crying at the same time as I try to make myself some lunch cuz I haven’t eaten since breakfast and it’s already past 3 pm, and the dishes that were in the sink when I woke up this morning are still sitting there as I prepare for bed. *sigh* One of those days. One of those days where I feel like I got nothing productive done and yet I’m so completely drained physically and emotionally. It’s after midnight and Masi just fell asleep. And at about 8 pm tonight I felt myself hit the bottom of the well, nothing left to give. Life—especially motherhood—has a funny (not-so-funny) way of stretching you. It’s always when you feel like you’re finally getting the hang of things when a hard day comes along and knocks you on your butt, reminding you that there’s no such thing. And yet these are the moments that expand you, change you, and eventually define you. It’s about how you respond when you’re feeling at rock bottom and got nothing left to offer that make you a better person tomorrow.

As a mother I always pray for more patience and empathy etc., and it’s days like today that are soul defining. Those moments where I faked the patience means maybe next time I’ll actually have just a little bit more. In one of my classrooms in elementary there was a motivational poster saying that once a rubber band is stretched out, it can never return to its original shape. I’ve found that to be so true. Some days are so difficult—stretching you almost to the breaking point, and yet instead of breaking I’m stretching farther into my potential. Perhaps it is in days like today, where I yelled more than I wanted, that I’m actually a better mother and person. My sister once told me that I chose this when I began to rant about the difficulties of being a mom. And she’s right. I chose it—the good, even knowing the bad that would come a long with it.

Perhaps as a kindergartener I didn’t have the ability to imagine all the smaller realities of adulthood, but even three years ago I probably would have laughed if you told me this is where I would be standing now. Everything I’m passionate about now was not even on my radar then. I’ve learned that is how change operates. It usually starts with trying to make a small adjustment—for me it was just trying to be healthy and lose some baby weight after my first was born. But pretty quickly that small change opened up the door to more and more, creating a domino effect both dizzying and exciting.

Whether or not you are a parent, in whatever it is happening in your life right now, remember that you chose this. And if you don’t like where you are, remember that you have the power to choose something else. I’ve changed so much in the past few years and most times I feel like I’m still standing in the middle of this period of radical growth and self discovery. And it’s simultaneously exhilarating and disorienting. But I feel a certain level of familiarity in the journey. I don’t yet see the big picture; I don’t know exactly who I’ll be in 5 or 10 years. But I’m confident that I’m moving in the right direction, that I’ll emerge stronger, wiser, more mature. No matter what, you will change. No one goes through life unscathed, but we get to decide whether we will lean into the discomfort and embrace the internal shifting, or if we will dig in our heels. Change is hard, but so is stagnation. Life will always be hard, but we get to choose which hard we want.

Often I think on the unexpected turns my life has taken and wish I could go back. I wonder what it would be like to go back before I questioned my world view, religion and my own place in society, before I began taking the road less traveled, back to when I blended in so neatly to the norms of society. It would definitely be more comfortable. But in the words of my beloved Rob Bell,

“Once you see you can’t unsee, and once you taste you can’t untaste.”

Perhaps if I hadn’t made the decisions that led me to my current spot in life, things would be easier. But I also wouldn’t be as happy. Sure, the lows are low but the highs are so worth it. I can’t unlearn the lessons the Universe has taught me nor would I want to. The past few years have shaped me enormously into the person I am today, and I’m certain that I’m not done. I’m not the same person I was five years ago, and I don’t want to be the same five years in the future as I am today. I am and always will be coming into myself. But I’m beginning to see things fall into place and begin to make sense, and honestly….I like what I see.